Love Makes A Family – Part VIII

My head had fallen to my chest and a wave of nausea swept over me. How could this be happening? I thought all the “I’s” were dotted and “t’s” crossed. I was reporting back to Katrin about the visits every Monday and also had kept Dr. Kay informed when I would run into her. Why was Freda asking me who gave me permission for the visits?

I tried to remain calm as I explained that the visits were approved in treatment planning many weeks ago and that both Dr. Kay and Katrin were aware of them and had encouraged them. Freda stared at me; lips pursed, and shook her head back and forth slowly. “Lloyd”, she said, “in treatment team we only agreed in principal to some staff visiting the sisters. The nursing department would never approve of what this has become; just you visiting them every week. It crosses a boundary and you should have known that. As far as the nursing department is concerned you are making unauthorized visits to ex-patients, and that is not okay.”

My feeling was that the visits were not unauthorized. The nursing department stance was that they were aware of the discharge planning conference but were not consulted about the visits to Santa Barbara once they commenced and never would have agreed to anything but phone calls. I did not like where this was going. The knot in my gut was now a double-cinched half hitch with a sailor twist. I felt my heart start to race.

Freda informed me that the nursing department not only wanted me to curtail the visits, they wanted me to curtail them immediately and have no further contact with the girls. I was not going to be allowed to even call the girls and try to explain why they wouldn’t be seeing me ever again. Refusal to do so would require the nursing office to start termination procedures. I would be given a week to think it over and was told I should probably contact my union representative to sit in on any further meetings with my superiors.

At this point I had one of those moments. You know the kind? This was one of those moments in life where everything stands still and your whole life flashes before you; lights flash in your peripheral vision like you just got beaned by a 90 mile an hour fastball; and then some form of epiphany occurs. This was a job that I loved. I was totally invested in it. It was a means of defining who I was as a person. A great deal of my own self-esteem was tied up in being a good mental health practitioner. Which to this day still makes it remarkable to me that I immediately heard myself saying, “I don’t need a week to think about it. You can have my two weeks notice today.” I heard myself saying it, but it came out so fast I couldn’t be sure I wasn’t just thinking it until I saw the stunned look on Freda’s face.

I had just thrown away 6 years of work and working relationships in two sentences. All because I knew in my heart, even in that spontaneous moment, that I could not do what they were asking me to do. I had made that promise to Cari months ago that I would never lie to her, ever. If I agreed to these terms set before me, not only would it make me look like a liar to her and Anna, it would also make me another in a long line of adults who had abandoned them. I just knew I wouldn’t be able to look in the mirror if I had to abandon them to keep my job. As much as it killed me to contemplate leaving a position that I felt I was born to fill, I just couldn’t swallow those terms.

There was some stance softening and some backtracking done by Freda as we sat there, but the bottom line was, to keep my job I would have to go back on my biggest promise to Cari. When I got home that day and told Mike the whole story, he was the one who said, “I think you should quit tomorrow, and we should explore helping the girls together.” I was so glad to hear that. It gave me the strength to stick to my guns and not backtrack and start thinking selfishly. I could see myself throwing a big pity party in my head. But Mike was not going to stand for that. He had very little time to waste on self-pity and didn’t admire it in others. His positive attitude gave me a boost.

The next two weeks were a mixed bag emotionally. Most of the staff that I worked with were supporting my decision. They were all a little shocked, but expressed admiration for what I was doing, which made me very uncomfortable. I wasn’t doing it to become employee of the month or to win an award and I just have a hard time with too much praise, anyway. It makes me want to get up and jog somewhere.

There were a couple of staff that thought I had gone mad. They did not support my decision at all and they let me know about it. Paradoxically, I was relieved that they were there. I think it is always good to get a lot of feedback across the spectrum from true believers to detractors. It gives you a chance to possibly identify blind spots and plan for them. These co-workers were dear friends; they just did not want me to give up my career for any reason, even one with which they could sympathize.

They told me how resilient kids are and that Cari and Anna would survive, even without me. They tried to paint gloomy prognosis pictures of both the girls and reminded me that most pathology is so ingrained by the time you reach your teens that changes are almost impossible without in-patient treatment. They cautioned that Anna was probably going to be a handful all her life and that I might be enabling her more than helping her. That hurt. They told me Cari would have intimacy and relationship issues all her life and both the girls would never be able to maintain any long term relationships.

The fact of the matter was I knew all of what they were saying was true. Without in-patient therapy both girls were at risk to suffer through life, struggling with making those lasting connections with objects of affection that most people take for granted. But look around you. That is a common human condition in America. How else could we have a 50/50 chance of marriages lasting? A whole lot of divorce happens because people have no sense of how intimacy works or how to build a trusting relationship with another person.

So, all of these arguments made by well meaning co-workers could not sway me. It still all boiled down to that promise. If the girls were going have some sadness and misery in their lives over relationships, well fine; they would always have my shoulder to cry on; and it looked now like Mike’s shoulders were moving in to support them as well.

Those two weeks dragged by like a walk to the gallows. Finally on my last day I had a really nice going away party and the next Monday I went to work for Staffbuilders, a nursing registry. One of the friends I had made in the orthopedic surgery department left UCLA right after I got the job at NPI and she had worked her way up to LA branch manager at Staffbuilders.

When I first started at UCLA Amy was the ward clerk on 3-11 and I was the ward clerk on 7-3. We became fast friends. Amy is one of the funniest people I have ever known. Everyone that knows her says she could do stand up comedy. She would slay. She is so smart and so quick. You can see it in her eyes and her posture. She is listening intently and just waiting for you to end your sentence so she can comment, and it always makes you laugh.

She has that perfect comedy timing and delivery that always works; sometimes with unexpected consequences. I know of at least three times at dinner with Amy when I was drinking a cocktail, and in mid-gulp, when she said something so hilarious that it ended with me spraying her in the face with Margarita. I know!! But it was either spray her or choke myself. After I sprayed her with Margarita, I jumped up and ran to the bathroom laughing hysterically. She sat there watching me run away and turns to the shocked couple sitting next to her as she is wiping her face off and says in straight deadpan, “I lose more dates that way”. That is just pure Amy.

Amy is another person who I have learned from and admired for her courage and positive attitude in spite of some huge heartbreaking life events. She should write a book. I would buy it. The fact that we were such good friends and she knew my capabilities was the main reason I got the job at Staffbuilders. It really eased my mind to know that while I was giving up the job that had defined who I was, I was still going to be able to survive and pay the bills. Plus, now that I was no longer tethered by the visitation rules of the NPI nursing department, I could now resume visits with Cari and Anna. It was time for them to meet Mike.